


love looking for words

by xivz



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Confessions, Dancing, Dancing and Singing, Dorks in Love, Eventual Romance, First Kiss, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Magical Accidents, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Singing, Slow Dancing, Sweet, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow, Watford Seventh Year, magical mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24690730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xivz/pseuds/xivz
Summary: “Music is only love looking for words.” - Lawrence DurrellThere was a fourth-year who thought it would be cute to live in a musical. I don’t understand that train of thought. It’s been a hassle to be roped in the random synchronized dance just because you happen to be in the same corridor as someone who’s gone off.What makes this extra embarrassing is that people are singing theiremotions. I’d like to let that sink in - teenagers are forced to sing their desires and deepest feelings (as if we don’t have enough self-control issues).•Or - the one where the entire student body of Watford is placed under a spell that they can only ride out. No student is safe from confessing their feelings - including Baz.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 20
Kudos: 266





	love looking for words

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WarriorBeeoftheSea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarriorBeeoftheSea/gifts).



> HUGE thank you to **[giishu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/giishu/profile)**! Without them this fic wouldn't have fleshed out or even have a title lol. 
> 
> No beta, please beware of errors.

**“Where words fail, music speaks.” - Hans Christian Anderson**

**“Music is only love looking for words.” - Lawrence Durrell**

** SIMON **

“Crowley, it’s good to be back,” Penny sighs in relief once the gates of Watford are in sight. 

“I just want to bathe and curl up in my bed for the entire weekend,” Agatha says. 

I grunt to agree with both of them. The mission was a weird one, I don’t know what the Mage was thinking. What would the Humdrum want gnomes for? Either way, we made peace with the king and prevented (yet another) war between the mage community and other magickal creatures. The thing about gnomes though is that they live underground. So we’ve spent nearly a week crouched down in the dirt, none of us are particularly clean right now, and  ** clean as a whistle ** only does so much. 

“I want to eat first,” I say as the taxi stops before the gate. I wonder if Baz is in the dining hall, I wonder what he’s been up to over the last week. What he’s been plotting. 

I hand the cabbie the money that the Mage gave me before we left and then we’re making our way inside of our school’s campus without any sort of fanfare. 

It’s evening, around supper time. The sun is setting and the moon is beginning to creep over the horizon. 

“Dinner does sound good,” Agatha agrees, but it seems like she's reluctant to. She broke up with me while we were on the mission. She saved my life, then looked me straight in the eyes and said ‘I think we should see other people.’ At the time all I could do was agree! Mostly because I was out of sorts, honestly it was right in the middle of a firefight! But also, because I just didn’t care enough to fight for us. I don’t understand it. I think that as long as Agatha doesn’t start dating Baz, then we’ll be alright. I can’t stomach the idea of her and Baz together. The mere thought of it has me feeling physically ill.

I mean, I hope that Agatha and I will end up back together anyway, though it hasn’t been bothering me as much as it should. And now it feels as if any conversation between us is just a set-up for an argument.

“Dinner, bath, bed,” Penny says while pulling her fluffy hair up into a sloppy knot at the top of her head. “I wonder what we’ve missed this week.”

We enter the dining hall and are greeted by the sound of Queen. There’s a third-year belting out the lyrics to “ _ I Want to Break Free _ ” with a spotlight on him and a microphone in his hands. 

“ _ So baby can’t you see!  _ ” He’s dipping the microphone down towards the floor, facing the table where his friends are sitting. “ _ I’ve got to break free. I’ve got to break free. I want to break free, yeah! I want, I want, I want, I want to break free! _ ”

The song ends and the microphone disappears in a puff of smoke as he sits down at his table, his face is flushed red with embarrassment. No one else seems to pay him any mind though. It’s as if everyone is ignoring him or pretending that didn't just happen. As if music didn’t just come out of nowhere and a kid didn’t sound like Freddie Mercury giving us all a live show.

“What the fuck?” I ask. 

** BAZ **

It’s been a week from hell. 

Honestly, I don’t understand why classes haven’t been canceled, there have been so many disruptions. This is all because of a fourth-year who thought it would be cute to live in a musical. (Honestly, what an idiot.) I don’t understand that train of thought. It’s been a hassle to be roped in the random synchronized dance just because you happen to be in the same corridor as someone who’s gone off. 

What makes this extra embarrassing is that people are singing their  _ emotions _ . I’d like to let that sink in - teenagers are forced to sing their desires and deepest feelings (as if we don’t have enough self-control issues). 

Ms. Possibelf says the spell will wear off within days, but it’s going on day 5 and the musical renditions are continuing. Just this morning I caught Niall singing “ _ I Want You to Want Me  _ ” to Dev in the stairwell that leads to the ground floor of Mummers. I ran after him, of course, because my cousin was in too much of a stupor to do so. I allowed Niall to hide in my room until he was ready to face Dev; only by then, Dev had come to his senses. I suppose the two of them have talked it out. 

At least Snow has been gone, that’s the only thing that’s saved me from truly participating in this ridiculousness. 

I'm lounging in bed with a book -  _ The Count of Monte Cristo  _ \- already in joggers with my hair up. A freshly opened bag of salt and vinegar crisps beside me and soft classical music playing from my prohibited cell phone.

It's comfortable and warm, and it still smells of Snow despite his being gone. Until the scent of his blood wafts into the room and the door opens.

I freeze, words threatening to bubble up to my throat in the form of a song.  _ Fuck. _

Snow closes the door loudly behind him before going to his wardrobe to rifle for clothes.

“Oi, Baz,” Snow says without looking at me. “Have you been singing too?”

He's shedding his shirt now. I want to sneer at him and say something witty and condescending. I think I've got a grip over myself enough to say something -  _ anything _ . 

Instead, what comes out of me are lyrics. Because I'm weak and my heart is treacherous and my emotions enjoy embarrassing me. 

“ _ Oh, yeah, I'll tell you somethin'. I think you'll understand. When I say that somethin'. I wanna hold your hand _ -” I put my pillow over my face to muffle the rest of it. Unfortunately, I'm still bloody singing, and I can feel Snow's eyes on me. 

When I'm done I'm afraid to look up. I've just outed myself and expressed my unrequited love to  _ Simon Snow _ . 

“Baz,” Snow says, but his voice is soft. It’s not it’s usual suspicious tone, and I hate how it causes my heart to clench.

I throw my pillow at him as a distraction as I rush out of our shared room, barefoot and in my pyjamas. 

** SIMON **

Gareth says that the spell is compulsory. A person blurts out their feelings without any thought. I’ve seen a few people singing already. Mostly romantic songs - a  _ lot  _ of people fancy each other. So, what does that mean when it comes to Baz?

My face heats up at the memory. His voice was lovely, and I hate admitting that. He looked miserable when he sang to me, so I don’t know if he’s plotting or not. What if he’s trying to just get under my skin? What if he’s trying to throw me off for some reason?

Still, I can’t help but think of how embarrassed he seemed. I felt something when I realized he was singing through his teeth. When I noticed that his face was flushing as deeply as I’ve ever seen it. 

It made me think. Made me toss and turn and stare at his side of the room all night. 

“Are you even listening?” Penny asks me from across

the dining table. 

It’s breakfast now and I haven’t seen Baz since he left the night before. He left mid-book and mid-snack. I closed his bag of crisps for him and saved his page. 

What if it wasn’t a trick? 

If that’s the case, then Baz wants to hold my hand. Crowley. I wish I could just assume he's lying, but the spell makes that impossible. And holding hands is on the list of things I want to do to Baz, the list I don't allow myself to think of - until yesterday. 

“No,” I say to Penny. “What were you saying?”

“Baz isn’t even here, how can you be distracted?” Penny asks me. 

My eyes fly over to where Dev and Niall sit. No Baz. At another table, Keris was singing to Trixie, with several backup dancers. ” _ Friday I’m In Love  _ ”. It’s Saturday, but no one seems to point that out. It’s cute either way. 

“I need to find Baz,” I say as I stand. 

“Seriously?” Penny throws her hands up in the air, “I don’t know why I even bother with you sometimes!”

I grin down at Penny as I stuff one last bite of my breakfast in my mouth. 

** BAZ **

I’ve been hiding (because I’m pathetic). I’ve on a pair of Dev’s trainers, and Niall’s clothes - it's degrading. I haven’t even gotten the chance to do my skincare routine. I feel disgusting. All of this to avoid my room - to avoid Snow - I’m such a coward. 

The forest sprites are avoiding me, but I can sense their eyes on me. I can smell them. 

I’ve drunk a few squirrels and rabbits; my belly is full. Still, I’m listless. 

The meadow that I’m in is lovely. There are little white flowers in bloom all around me. The sun beams happily through the surrounding trees, too intense for me. Still, I’m protected well enough, and can probably stay here for the majority of the day. At least until before the drawbridge is closed.

I’m playing with fire as I enjoy the solitude. 

I sang “ _ I Want to Hold Your Hand _ ” to the boy that I’ve been in love with since our fifth-year. The boy who hates me. The boy who will one day end me. Snow will win in the final battle; I’d gladly die with his sword through my chest. 

I suppose that there could be worse songs to serenade to my unrequited love. The only positive that I can draw from this experience is that he’s oblivious, and thick, perhaps he’ll think it was meant for Wellbelove. That it was a plot of mine, something to throw him off. He’s a paranoid moron. With luck, Snow would never suspect. 

The flame in my palm immediately snuffs out as soon as the familiar scent of Snow hits my nose. Bloody fantastic. 

“Baz!” Snow says as soon as he spies me on the grass. He’s got half the woods on him, with twigs in his hair and grass stains on his jeans. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

I roll my eyes, “fuck off, Snow.”

I stand up and wipe the dirt off the seat of my trousers. I need to leave before I further embarrass myself. At least it’s nearly summer, and I’ll have two months away from him and plenty of distance from this horrible experience. I’ll only need to avoid Snow for a few weeks. 

“Wait!” Snow says as he stumbles his way towards me. 

“What do you want?” I ask. I should run away as fast as I can. If only I could tear myself away from his gaze. 

He’s jutting his chin and his eyes are narrowed in on me. I know this face - he wants to punch me. I don’t blame him, although I never saw Snow as homophobic. I’ll take the hit, I’ll accept it, I’ll allow him to strike at me and then go. I’ll spend the remainder of the school year in the catacombs if need be. 

Instead, he grabs hold of my hand, which startles me. His hands are large and hot and calloused. His grip firm and sure. 

“If you’re fucking with me, Snow,” I attempt to take my hand away but he holds on tighter. 

“I’m not, you prick,” Snow says. The sun is creating a golden halo around his bronze curls. Perhaps  _ I _ should punch  _ him _ . (He has no right to look this way).

“ _ You’re  _ -” I pause. Another song is coming up my throat, and I debate if I should attempt to swallow it down. If I should shove him and go. Instead, I close my eyes and resign myself for the inevitable. “ _ You’re just too good to be true _ .” 

He’s blushing as I take his other hand and set us into a dancing position as the melody plays and the words land in the air between us. 

“ _ Can’t take me eyes off of you _ ,” I say as we sway. “ _ You’d be like heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much. At long last, love has arrived. And I thank God I'm alive. You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you _ .”

“Baz,” Snow's expression is one of awe, and it makes me want to light myself on fire.

“ _ Pardon the way that I stare. There's nothing else to compare. The sight of you leaves me weak. There are no words left to speak. But if you feel like I feel. Please let me know that it's real. You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off of you. _ ”

“Oh.”

I know how this song goes, I know that it’ll leave me exposed. It’ll show my hand. Snow will know, he’ll know everything. Yet, it feels like a relief, to have it out there. To no longer hide behind a mask of false hatred. To allow myself to love openly. 

When the song hit’s its crescendo we’re in a foxtrot. Dancing through the meadow, flowers kissing our ankles and music playing all around us. 

My heart is in my throat as I sing. We’re quickly approaching the close.

“ _ I love you, baby, trust in me when I say. Oh, pretty baby, don't bring me down I pray. Oh pretty baby, now that I've found you; stay. Oh-”  _

The song is cut off before the final lyric because Simon is  _ kissing _ me. His hands are on my face and his tongue is in my mouth and my hands find their way to his hips. The meadow is silent, the sound of our breathing and our heartbeats are all that I can hear. 

When we pull apart, we don’t move too far from one another. 

“Merlin, I hate you,” Snow says. 

I avoid his gaze and try to untangle myself from him, but he only holds on tighter before dragging me down for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Playlist can be listened to **[here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1UKqGG038wJYvaP8LGqbOa?si=8reRegSlRuS9moLw5epstg)** !
> 
> Come say hi to me on **[tumblr](https://xivz.tumblr.com/)**!


End file.
